


Sometimes I Cringe (Sometimes I Live)

by roosterbox



Series: Stay With Me [2]
Category: X-Men - All Media Types, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Death, Charles Is a Darling, Dreams, Erik has Feelings, Erik is not a Happy Bunny, Ghost/Spirit, M/M, Romance, Soulmates, Tragic Romance, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-02
Updated: 2014-10-02
Packaged: 2018-02-19 14:26:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2391656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roosterbox/pseuds/roosterbox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He could still recall, with perfect clarity, a beach in Cuba.  Pain.  Searing, <em>unbearable</em> pain.  Blood ebbing out of him, and his consciousness fading.  Most of all, he remembered Erik’s stricken face."</p>
<p>An alternate perspective on the events of <em>Did I Say that I Need You (If I Didn't I'm a Fool).</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes I Cringe (Sometimes I Live)

**Author's Note:**

> A sort-of 'companion piece' to _Did I Say that I Need You_ , but both stories can be read independently of each other.
> 
> I'm sorry, but please heed the Character Death tag. I can't seem to get away from it these days.

Time has become a relative concept for Charles.

It seemed strange to think he had once put so much effort into something now so foreign.

He could still recall, with perfect clarity, a beach in Cuba.  Pain.  Searing, _unbearable_ pain.  Blood ebbing out of him, and his consciousness fading.  Most of all, he remembered Erik’s stricken face.  He’d tried to touch his lover’s cheek, maybe to comfort one or both of them, but the other man had still been wearing that damned helmet.  He settled for cupping the back of that smooth neck.

“Erik,” Charles whispered.  Forcing the breath from his lungs pained him.

“Please, Charles, don’t speak,” Erik’s words were rushed, panicked.  “Moira is calling for help.  We’ll get you help.  You’ll be okay.  You’ll be-”

“ **Erik**.”

Charles did his best to sound stronger.  Forceful.  Help would not arrive in time to save him.  His vision was already darkening.  But with what little time he had left, if Erik didn’t want him in his mind, then he was going to _hear_ him speak.

Erik looked at him.  Charles was surprised to see moisture at the corners of his eyes.  With all that had happened to him in the past twenty years, Charles would’ve thought Erik had no more tears to shed.  Least of all over him.  He’d never even told Charles that he loved him.

“Erik,” Charles began again.  “Don’t let it control you.”

“What-”

“The rage.”  Charles could taste blood, and he knew it was spilling from the curve of his mouth.  He could see it in Erik’s eyes.  “Don’t lose your point between rage and serenity, my friend.”

Erik swallowed hard.

“But I already am,” he said, voice shaking.

It was the last thing Charles heard.

\----------

After that…

Even if he were still capable of speech, Charles would not be able to express what took place after that.  Nothing could have possibly prepared him for it.

It was almost like being in Cerebro again.  His consciousness, his power, spread out like a net, cast over the entire city.  The entire country.  Maybe even the entire world.  Everything flowed together.  And, unlike with Cerebro, Charles wasn’t anchored to his pitiful earthly remains.  He could ride that wave of awareness wherever it would take him.  To whatever end.  No one would ever again demand that he suppress his natural gifts.

Yet something was missing.

Still basking in the freedom he had never known, Charles didn’t realize it at first.  But he felt the pain soon enough.  A mild ache, like a part of him was missing.  The pain was dull, and Charles was perfectly content to ignore it, until he cast his mind over the mansion he’d once called home.  Almost immediately the pain worsened into a strong and steady throbbing.  As if he’d overextended his powers, like he used to as a child.  _Why the Xavier mansion?  What was it about this place?_

He looked closer.

There were more children there than he remembered.  And the ones he did remember…had certainly grown.  How long had it been?  Charles had no idea.  For him, it seemed like moments.  But for them, it had clearly been years.

A lone figure made its way down one of the halls.  Charles felt himself be drawn to it, almost _magnetically_ -

Oh.

Oh, **_Erik_**.

The other man looked like a wreck.  His eyes were almost bloodshot, shadowed with dark circles.  There was a slump in his posture.  Like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.  And, thanks to his newfound understanding, Charles could see that his heart was weak, like it had no will to keep beating.  Everything about him seemed to have lost its luster.  He was a broken man.

At that moment, Charles realized something that amazed him.  His pain was gone.  As if it had never been there.  And, not being anything in the realm of stupid, Charles knew why.  His spirit, now detached from its earthly confines, was calling for its mate.  His other half.  The bookend to his soul.  And whom else could that soul belong to other than Erik?  Charles had never loved anyone like he’d loved Erik.  Raven came closest.  He quite enjoyed seeing her around his home, occasionally with what he assumed was her son – an adorable, blue-skinned baby – toddling along behind her.  But, in the end, she was his sister, and he would’ve had to let her go.  But not Erik.

Now came the dilemma.  What to do about this conundrum he faced.  Stay here with Erik, or ignore the pain and enjoy this new autonomy?  For Charles, no choice was less clear.

\--------

He watched Erik.

Just about every day, the other man would go down to the same field of flowers.  He almost seemed to be waiting for something.  But for what?  Charles had no idea.  Invariably Erik would fall asleep.  It was the only time his features softened.  It had always been so, even before…everything happened.  Charles had sometimes woken up before him in the morning, and he loved watching Erik dream.

Before he realized he was doing it, Charles stretched the wisps of his power over and inside Erik’s mind.  He’d often done it unconsciously before, and any time he felt it happening, Erik put an immediate stop to it.  But now…

In his dream, Erik clutched at Charles like a lifeline.  As if the younger man would disappear in an instant the second he let go.  For the first time since that cold day on the beach, both Charles and Erik were at peace.  But, too soon, Erik awoke; Charles was forced out of his mind in a rush.  He stayed as close as this new awareness would allow, though.  He watched the brightness leave Erik again, almost as if it had never been there.  He watched the older man walk, shoulders slumped, slowly back to the mansion.  And his heart – or something like his heart – ached for him.

Charles couldn’t bear to leave after that.  Every day, his consciousness was in all places throughout the mansion and grounds.  Sometimes he wondered if a student would arrive that might have the ability to see him.  Might make an interesting conversation.

This day, like all others, he follows Erik down to the field; after so much time spent in Erik’s dreams there, that field will forever be ‘their field’ in his mind.  As always, Erik eventually falls asleep.  Charles is ready.

\--------

“Ch-Charles,” Erik says.  His words sound strangled.

Charles smiles and offers his hand.

Erik takes it.  He pulls Charles close to him, as tight as he can.  The embrace is so fierce, Charles might’ve feared broken bones…if he’d still had bones to break.  He rubs Erik’s back soothingly, trying his best to ease the whipcord tension in the other man.

“I think I’m going to wake up soon.”

Charles tries not to tense up.  He’s used to this by now, being able to touch each other only in dreams.  It’s difficult for him, a being with no sense of time or space anymore, but _wrenching_ for Erik.

“And before I do, I want – no, I _need_ to tell you something…”  Erik pulls away from him.  Their eyes meet, stormy-gray to blue, and Charles knows exactly what Erik will say.  He says it every time, but never remembers in the end.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.  Not for that.”  It’s painful, watching Erik spit out those same words each and every day.  Charles knows he’s a proud man.  Admitting fault is sometimes the bravest thing a proud man can do.  But there’s one thing braver than that.

“Please, Charles, let me-” He brings up a hand to cup Charles’ cheek.  This was new.  What could he be-

“I love you.”

It’s as if some strange, feathered being grabs onto Charles’ soul and flies away with it.  His heart feels full to bursting.  He would’ve never thought he’d hear those words from Erik.  Was convinced that, after his mother died, Erik would never allow himself to even feel such a thing again.

“I love you,” the older man says again, “and I always will, until the end of my days.”

Charles smiles.  _Kiss me_ , he thinks, and leans forward.  Erik meets him halfway.  It’s electricity itself when their lips meet.  It always had been.  It feels like a lifetime since they had last done this.  To Charles at least.  He can’t stomach to think how long it must feel to Erik.  He wishes, and he knows Erik desires the same, that **this** was their reality.  That their lonely existence outside of this moment was only a horrible nightmare.  But…

\------

Charles finds himself cut adrift again.  It happens a bit more violently than usual, Erik’s psyche rejecting this happy, perfect vision he’s imagined for himself.  That sharp mind is both his greatest asset and his worst enemy.  As the telepath watches, Erik rises slowly to his feet.  He touches his lips, almost reverently, and begins the slow path back to the house.

Charles drifts shapelessly beside him, always.  He wonders, not for the first or the last time, how long this can go on.  Will Erik tire of him and finally move on?  Or will the other man’s heart finally weaken enough and give out?  As much as he almost wishes it weren’t so, Charles hopes it’s the latter.  Hopes for the day when his soul and Erik’s can be truly reunited, swirling together throughout the endless ether of eternity, the way they were always meant to.

_He said he loves me_.  That feeling of pure joy and hope returns with a vengeance.  Charles almost feels giddy.  Before he can second guess himself, he curls a tendril of power around Erik’s mind.  And this time, he almost thinks he can feel Erik touch him back.

~~~~~~~

_“Sometimes I know, sometimes I rise_  
 _Sometimes I fall, sometimes I don’t_  
 _Sometimes I cringe, sometimes I live_  
 _Sometimes I walk, sometimes I kneel_  
 _Sometimes I speak of nothing at all_  
 _Sometimes I reach to myself, dear god…”_  
 **Sometimes** – Pearl Jam

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please comment and let me know if you enjoyed it.
> 
> Got a tumblr? If you want, you can follow me [right here!](http://roosterbox.tumblr.com/)


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